Today my friend Tina is sharing her experiences with breastfeeding. I’m so excited for you to read her story, as she sheds light on such an important topic. However you choose to feed your baby is YOUR choice, and you can’t make a wrong one.
Hi, my name is Tina Kroeze. I am most importantly a child of God. I am married to my junior high sweetheart turned CPA husband of 7 years. My highest calling is that of being a momma to two sweet boys, Gavin (almost 4) and Spencer (1.5) I’m also a scrub wearing, shot giving registered nurse at a family practice clinic.
Its taboo, isn’t it? I feel like some type of a rebel typing the words “when breast isn’t best” but I would be lying if I didn’t admit also feeling liberated. Let’s start at the beginning. The breast vs. bottle/formula discussion started for me over 5 years ago in one of my nursing lectures in which I was beat over the head with “breast is best, breast is best” Rinse and repeat.
There were all kinds of scientific data to support just how “perfect” and ideal breastfeeding and breast milk were to moms and babes alike. I jumped so fast onto that bandwagon I thought I would never look back. Obviously breast would be best I mean it’s exactly how God intended things to work. It is one of the most natural things a mother can ever do for her child. I was privileged to help teach brand new moms the art of nursing, working in post partum years before I had ever attempted it myself. So, when I was pregnant with Gavin and asked if I planned to breastfeed the answer was, well YES. Duh! Was it even a question? Did I really have options? Hind sight is 20/20 and looking back now God had some pretty intense life lessons He knew I needed to learn the hard way.
Fast forward to March 5, 2011 4:42pm, I delivered a beautiful healthy pink baby boy who weighed 7lb9oz and was 21 inches long via spontaneous vaginal delivery. We named him Gavin Andrew and he would forever change our lives, for the better. He was the picture of health and although I was somewhat guarded towards this new role as “mom” I was excited to try. Gavin was born at 37 weeks 2 days gestation and my labor itself was quite textbook. I only pushed 12 minutes total. The aftermath of delivery however was not textbook. I had a post partum hemorrhage 5-6hrs after delivery and was given 2 units of blood and stayed an extra day in the hospital. Then came the real beast I fought, a 4 month struggle with post partum depression. People have asked when it started and I can honestly remember the first time feeling completely overwhelmed and utterly hopeless the second night in the hospital and you guessed it, it had to do with nursing. I was exhausted from delivery, and couldn’t be out of bed because I had a catheter and had just bled out hours earlier. I was just about to fall asleep when a nurse came flying in the room taking no precautions to be quiet or gentle while pushing the bassinette with a screaming, ravishingly hungry baby in it. “He’s hungry,” said the nurse who then briskly walked back out the door and shut it loudly.
My mind was spinning.
Can someone dim those lights? Can someone help me get him latched? Wow, he is really screaming. How long has he been screaming? Can we try a pacifier? Okay, I can do this. I have TAUGHT other moms to nurse, this is the most natural thing a woman can do.
The wailing continued as my husband lay sound asleep on a little window cot a few feet from my bed. I tried and I tried to get those precious new little lips to latch to my breast that seemed like a complete misfit. I yearned for him to just latch on and go as I’d seen other babies do so naturally.
Was there something I was doing wrong? Did he not want to nurse? Did he not like me?
After what felt like hours of trying and trying I may have thrown something at my snoring husband and told him to get over here and give me a hand. He tried his best to help and I will never forget the look on his face of utter and complete support. He knew how much this meant to me. I had talked lovingly about and dreamt about being able to nurse our sweet baby boy. If there was any way to help he was going to be all over it.
The lactation consultant did get him to latch properly one time in the hospital, so I was hopeful after that. We tried all the tricks, sugar water dripped on to entice a latch, cradle hold, cross cradle, football hold, side lying. You name it I tried it. I even attempted the “triple feed method” which if anyone has ever successfully done deserves a special spot in heaven in my humble opinion. Here’s what the triple method entailed. Attempt to nurse both sides for at least 10 minutes a side. Then pump for 5-10 minutes right afterward. Syringe feed baby what milk you pumped and compensate with formula to equal a certain amount of ounces. Oh and by the way do this every 2-3 hours. What’s that you say? This process takes almost an hour? Well, welcome to motherhood. I nearly lost my mind trying this “method.” My lactation consultant went above and beyond and even made a home visit to try to help. I was thankful she wanted to exhaust every option to try to help as this was so important to me.
A couple days later on a teary eyed phone call I said to her, “I don’t want to give up because if I don’t nurse then Gavin doesn’t need me any more than he needs anyone else.” Wow. Sucker punch to the gut. How could I have been SO hard on myself? I will never forget the loving response I got. “You are the ONLY mother to your child and whatever way you can feed him best is how you can be the best Mom to him.” We transitioned to bottles and formula that very day and looking at my extremely bright, talkative, spirited 3 year old, you would never know it now.
When Brady and I decided to try for another baby I remember offering up a silent prayer one afternoon to God that “if He saw fit he would allow me to experience nursing a baby.”
Fast forward to June 27, 2013 at 7:22pm. After 6 minutes of pushing I gave birth to (surprise!) another beautiful, healthy, pink baby boy who weighed 7lb 15oz and was 21 inches long. We named him Spencer Declan. He was born at 39 weeks gestation and I was partially induced because of mild gestational diabetes. To date I had at least 5 different types of formula on hand as well as 2 different styles of bottles. I was not going to force something that wasn’t meant to be and while I was even apprehensive to try nursing I thought, “I’ll be a good sport about it and try but it’s going to have to be easy for me to stick with it.”
Ha. Little did I know how God had heard my prayer and decided He did see it fit. Within minutes of birth Spencer latched immediately like he had been nursing his entire life and he nursed 20 minutes on both sides. You can imagine the joy my heart felt that I could experience this. With the help of one of my friends, Lauren, as well as the same lactation consultant I exclusively breastfed until 7 months and was then able to use up my freezer supply of over 500 ounces. My milk supply for whatever reason wasn’t able to keep up despite trying some remedies and I’ve decided that I’m okay with that. I then elected to use Enfamil Gentlease formula and Spencer transitioned beautifully to it. Would I have chosen to be done nursing at 7 months? Absolutely not. Will I be forever grateful for the heaven on earth experience and for the bonding that was able to take place? You bet. I will never forget those middle of the night feedings when I would pick Spencer up and he would be searching all around trying to find anything to latch on to. He got my nose, neck, shoulder and then eventually found the right place. I will also never forget the way he fell asleep at the breast and how contented he was.
So is breast always best? No, I don’t think so. Was one birth story more successful? No, I don’t think so. I guess it depends on how you define success. If I didn’t go through the struggle I went through after having Gavin I would lack this perspective and I wouldn’t know the strength I actually possess. Having him taught me so much about myself that I didn’t already know. I am forever grateful for that and can see that trial as a true success now. If I didn’t have the experience of nursing Spencer I would have missed out on so much joy and happiness. If I was too stubborn to try again for fear of repeating history I would have missed out on God’s provision and that He truly wanted to bless me with this experience. Both stories were both equally successful in completely different ways. God’s provision amazes me.
I would challenge people to be open minded towards this subject and realize that it can be a sensitive topic in which women can be made to feel like “less than” or a “failure” if they don’t nurse and that quite frankly that is a lie straight from the devil. Let’s all take a deep breath, realize there are many ways to be successful and encourage each other in whatever choices are made. You are the Mom to your child because God chose you to be their Mom.
He doesn’t care how you feed them, just that you feed them.
XOXO,
Tina
Thank you for sharing with all of us today, Tina! She also shared this piece about Postpartum Depression a while back. If you’re struggling or know someone who is, it is definitely a must read. Follow Tina on Instagram for more encouragement! (@tinakroeze)
13 Comments
This is absolutely beautiful! I couldn’t agree more that the method in which you feed does not matter. All that matters is that you nourish your beautiful baby in any way that you can! I am a breastfeeding mother to my 6 month old baby boy and am happy to say that I have a nice supply so I hope to keep it up for a while, but if that doesn’t happen for whatever reason… I will be okay with that because my little guy will still get the nourishment he needs from somewhere else!
Thanks so much for sharing your beautiful story!
I desperately wanted to breast feed my children I tried and it would never work I seen the lactation specialist rented breast pumps but for some reason I could not produce enough milk for my son to survive it would take days to pump even one ounce I too felt like a failure. There are some ppl in the world that never get to experience the ability to breast feed. I remember crying to the wic office because I had no formula and no money and they wouldn’t have an apt for me for 3 days.I told her I really needed formula and she told me that breast was best and that I would have to breast feed infill my apt. I cried my eyes out I told her I can’t then she told me anyone can breast feed but truth is not everyone can it’s not always a choice between breast and bottle.
I am also an RN. I was so biased before having my daughter that every woman should breast feed. I thought if someone didn’t breast feed or stopped after a couple weeks that they were selfish. Boy did I learn quickly that was far from the truth. I had a great supply and breast fed 7 mo but I ran my self ragged. I was obsessed with my supply. Constantly pumping, nursing, pumping, pumping, pumping. Looking back I value the experience but I also was so stressed about breast feeding it distracted from my daughter and made me a little crazy. I pray my next child nurses and we can have those special moments but I will also be open to supplementing if that what we have to do.
That is a shame. If only others knew the struggles they may be more supportive. I, too, could not produce enough breastmilk for either of my sons. I would get 5mL at each pump, and at that rate it took me a whole day, if not 2 days, to get 1 oz. With a hungry baby, there was no way that math would ever work out. I struggled with PPD maybe stemming from this with my foes, but I have a new outlook with baby #2. How amazing that science has allowed my baby to live. To thrive. No guilt- no matter your circumstances. Yes, breastfeeding has awesome benefits, but when I learned to let go of that stigma beyond what I couldn’t control, I found that I could bone and be just what my baby needed, tegardless.
Thank you! This article hit home in so many ways! All I can say is that you as I sit here reading this looking at my 7 month old contently sucking away on her bottle, thinking about how it was the same with my 4 year old!
I never reply to posts but I feel like you just told my story….right down to the Cpa husband,RN (I work in Labor and Delivery and postpartum… It’s all I’ve ever done and known, and I’m a certified lactation counselor (not consultant) to boot. That being said I was unable to exclusively breastfeed either of my children. My first child I nursed (and supplemented) for 10 months. I am still doing the same for my now 9 month old son. Talk about feeling like a failure.. For some reason my body has NEVER produced enough for my kids to eat exclusively from me. I have struggled to understand “why” my body can’t do what it’s supposed to! I tried every feeding position, pumping before, after, (even have done whole days where I have pumped or breastfed with “20-30 minute breaks” in between, also every recipe, oil, herb, and other concoction I could find… All which led to the same end result… Not enough… I could pump a feeding and at maximum I could get one oz! Thank you for giving moms like us a voice in a world where everyone tells us which ways are “best” to live our lives!
THANK YOU for writing these words! I seemed to have a fairly similar experience as you. When I was pregnant with my first I thought, “No brainer, I will breastfeed” and had no idea that it can be HARD and sometimes, dare I say it, impossible. My daughter would scream and fight me every time I tried to feed her. Sometimes latching only to pull off in frustration. I saw lactation consultants, therapists, I even had a fairly new friend come over and she tried to help me (we bonded quickly after that..hah!). After three weeks I made the decision to stop trying and after I got over the guilt it was so freeing! I exclusively pumped for her for 10 months and then we switched to formula. My son was born 9 months ago (today!) and as a huge answer to prayer he started nursing right away and has been a champion eater ever since. There still have been challenges (especially at first, he ate so well but it hurt so bad!) but we have been going strong up until this point. Thank you for talking about this sometimes taboo topic and sharing some TRUTH. We carry around so much unnecessary mom guilt, we should never add to someone else’s. Here’s to feeding our babies and loving them the best we can!
Wow. This is my story. Everything – I wondered why no other mom dealt with what I dealt with. Being a 100%committed breastfeeding mother, who bottle fed. My first was tiny (4 lbs, delivered at 36 weeks- before she could perfect the sucking reflex well) and couldn’t latch well at all. I tried and I tried. For a month- 8 feeds every 24 hrs. I couldn’t make it happened. 2 years later, baby girl #2 came. I had prayed hard and fast for a baby who wanted to nurse. The Lord heard me, and she did. Exclusive for 8 months. I was so proud. Baby 3 and baby 4 wouldn’t latch. Baby 4 is my last and I was totally devastated.
All this to say, thanks for sharing your story, as I have longed to relate to someone on this.
Enough with the mom guilt! We should support each other on our crazy journey of motherhood….breast, bottle, or otherwise!
How refreshing to have an honest and positive story about bottle-feeding!people assume you ‘haven’t tried’ hard enough when you bottle feed,but as one who so desperately wanted to breast feed and couldn’t,it was heartbreaking and certainly not through lack of trying! Thank you for emphasising what is important-that feeding your child is what matters. X
As a nurse also I had the “breast is best” mentality and it was truly my hearts desire. My daughter took 6 weeks to latch on her own. Until then I used nipple shields and pumped. I was very grateful to nurse her to a year. My son, who is now 6 months old, was born hypoglycemic and was very sleepy. The lactation consultant even gave up on me in the hospital. Talk about discouraging. I was so determine to breastfeed. But after pumping every 2-3 hours, then feeding him a bottle afterwards, battling mastitis and MULTIPLE painful clogged ducts, I lost it. I cried and cried and cried. I had no life, couldn’t leave the house bc I was spending 45 minutes pumping then another 20 to feed him, put warm compresses on and then it was time to start the cycle all over. I couldn’t hold my baby bc I was desperately trying to pump and he would scream bc he wanted to be held. After pumping exclusively for 4.5 months, my husband came home one day to find me in tears and I was simple exhausted and felt defeated. I felt so filthy for even considering formula but at that point it was formula or my sanity. My 6 month old is healthy and there are days I’m still embarrassed to mix a formula bottle in public but I’m learning. I have to do what’s best for us.
Thank you so much for a well written article from someone on the medical side who also had difficulties. It’s very encouraging to know I’m not alone and I’m not a horrible mother.
Thank you so much for writing your story. I could have written the first part – I also experienced a medical challenge after I gave birth sending me into a spiral of confusion, guilt, and postpartum depression. We’re trying for our second baby, and I so needed to hear the story of your second child. Praying this for myself!
I am so thankful for the nurse that gave my screaming baby a little bit of formula on the second day of his life. We were exhausted and bf wasn’t going well. After having two children I cannot stress enough that every baby is different. It’s so easy to judge before you have children. The one thing to remember is that we all want to do best for our families.