Bringing Your Sexy Back When You’re Married With Kids

Last weekend my husband and I had the opportunity to spend a couple days together without the kids. We try to do this a couple times a year, and each and every time we do it I’m reminded why it’s SO IMPORTANT.

Having children has been hard on our marriage. It’s one of those things that you hear might happen, but somehow you think you’ll be the one couple who can overcome the challenges. After having our first baby, I remember thinking, “This isn’t so bad! We totally have this married with a baby thing down.” 

Then after the honeymoon stage wore off, and we each resumed daily life, we started to understand just how little time we got with each other. We didn’t live close to family, and were adjusting to life on one income, so we weren’t able to hire a babysitter as often as our marriage probably needed.

But all things considered, we were doing okay.

A year and a half later, the twins were born. We had three kids under two and I soon felt like we were drifting apart at record pace. Not necessarily in a way that was detrimental to our marriage, because we’re both committed to this thing for the long hall, but what’s dangerous is that it can be so easy for us to become roommates instead of soul mates.

Day in and day out, we went through the motions. He’d go to work, and I’d kiss him goodbye. I’d feel anxious every time he left because it meant I was by myself all day with three babies.

He’d come home, I’d look and feel like a hot mess, and would then hand him a baby. Or TWO.

We’d get through the crazy witching hour, get everyone fed, bathed, and tucked in bed, and there we’d be, finally face to face for the first time that day.

By that point, we were on totally different pages. He was ready to be intimate, and I was ready to chat and catch up because I felt like I hardly knew him! He felt like I wasn’t prioritizing his needs, and I felt like he wasn’t prioritizing mine. And so we’d continue in this vicious cycle, trying to figure out how to ignite the spark that once brought us together.

Sometimes we’d figure it out, and sometimes we wouldn’t, which would make for a long day when we woke up in the morning.

Then we went to Mexico and BAM, pregnant with baby number four. And while we were excited about adding another precious baby, we both admitted that we were worried about how it would affect our marriage.

Honestly, the first six months with four kids was rough. My husband felt like he was on the back burner. I spent so much time and energy focusing on the kids, and there was very little time left for the two of us.

We had several serious conversations and arguments trying to figure out how to fix it. Sometimes it felt hopeless because I didn’t know how to make more hours in the day. While I wanted so badly to prioritize my marriage, I honestly didn’t know how to find the time or energy.

From that point on, we decided that we were going to commit to at least two vacations per year without the kids. One for about a week, and then we’d also try to sneak in a weekend getaway here and there.

We also discovered that another huge piece in being able to connect intimately was taking care of ourselves. We were living in survival mode, and were trying to give to each other when we were running on empty. We BOTH committed to a healthy lifestyle. For the past six months, we have been eating healthy and working out consistently. And we’ve learned that what we fuel our bodies with makes such a difference. When he takes care of himself, it makes me feel like I’m worth it. And when I take care of myself, he feels the same way. At 29, we both feel like we’re in the best shape of our lives. I feel SEXY! I feel good about myself, both physically and emotionally, and it makes me want my husband. I know it makes us all blush to read that, but let’s be real, all of us old married folks could use MORE SEX in our lives. Amen?

Last weekend really was wonderful. We got to fall in love all over again. We went out to dinner, walked around Vegas, and stayed out until 1:00am. I don’t remember WHEN the last time was that we did that, but it was so good for us to act like kids again. We talked into all hours of the night, and I was reminded of the thousands of reasons why I love my man so much.

I’m not saying we have it all figured out. But we’re intentionally pursuing each other, and that’s a lot more than we were doing before. I don’t want to use kids as an excuse to not work on my marriage. I don’t want to settle for good when I know we can be great. We’re meant to be LOVERS. We GET to flirt with each other. So you better believe it that I’m going to do everything in my power to catch his eye!

I know this season of life can be tiresome, and sometimes that last thing we want is to give ourselves to yet one more person at the end of the day. But I’d love to challenge all of us to pursue our spouses. Surprise them. Tease them. FLIRT with them. Life’s too short to become complacent in our marriages!

XOXO,

Amber

P.S. For more reflections on parenthood and life, follow us on Facebook (Hun Let’s Run) and on Instagram: @ambermariekuiper and @jakekuiper! We’d also love for you to subscribe to our Hun, Let’s Run Podcast! For more info about joining our fitness community as a customer or coach, please email us at amber@mommysmetime.com!