Even In Miscarriage, He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands

A few weeks ago I was pushing both of my boys in our backyard on their swings and we were singing “He’s Got the Whole World in His Hands.” This is one of their favorites. Gavin loves to dictate what person we are going to sing about next.

He’s Got Daddy Brady in His Hands

He’s Got Mommy Tina in His Hands

He’s Got Big Brother Gavin in His Hands

He’s Got Little Brother Spencer in His Hands

He’s Got Puppy Maya in His Hands

We made it through all those verses when Gavin (almost 4.5) said to me; “That’s everyone Mom. We did our WHOLE entire family.”

I knew the time had presented itself for me to talk with him that actually one member of our family was already in heaven with Jesus. I prayed that I could keep his attention span and make this tangible to him.

“Actually buddy, you know what? Before Mommy had you and Spencer she had another little baby in her tummy…”

“YOU had SO many babies in your tummy?!”

“Well, you weren’t all in there at once buddy, just one at a time.”

“Hey, Mom can we keep swinging longer?”

“Yes, that’s fine.”

“You had another baby in your tummy?”

“Yes Buddy I did and God took that baby to heaven before we got to meet. That baby died while it was in my tummy. That baby is still part of our family though. Mommy and Daddy felt very sad when we lost that baby but we trust that God is taking good care of that baby in heaven right now because God loves that baby even more than we could”

“Hey Mom, can I have another underdog?”

“You bet!”

I know he didn’t comprehend the whole thing and that’s okay. He’s four and a half. What is important to me is that there is an open dialogue with him. This will not be our last conversation on this topic and that is okay. I trust God will give me grace to handle these situations.

I can still remember the day like it was yesterday. It’s all fresh. What I was wearing, what room I was in, and the sheer surprise and awful realization that our baby was gone and I had no idea.

It was February 15, 2010. Donned in a red quarter length sleeved, fitted ‘motherhood maternity’ top I was on top of the world with my 12 week ‘bump’ starting to show. We had already announced our exciting news to family and friends and everyone was so excited for us.  Brady and I were on our way to our routine prenatal checkup. We had had a relatively normal first appointment at 8 weeks gestation and the only bump in the road was the fact that the doctor couldn’t find the heart tones with the Doppler. I blamed it on my extra “fluff” and the fact that I have a retroverted (tipped) uterus. This warranted use of the clinic ultrasound machine which found the heart tones without difficulty. It was then we saw our little peanut for the first time. It was so surreal for me. There was a real life with a beating heart inside of me. I was a Mom. I knew that for me, it was love at first sight when I took a pregnancy test and waited those LONG 3 minutes and prayed the entire time. When the words on the screen flashed “PREGNANT” I felt an emotion, a bond I had never experienced in my entire life. I was a Mom.

Around 9-10 weeks gestation I had another bump in the road called light vaginal spotting. I was terrified. I called the clinic, l was instructed to come in for labwork and another ultrasound. The lab results and ultrasound proved to be within normal limits. Our little peanut was doing fine, heart was beating strong and I can vividly remember seeing little arm and leg buds moving around.

Back to February 15, 2010. We arrived at the clinic and eagerly waited in the waiting room for our name to be called back. The conversation was light, easy and the overall mood was giddy. I remember saying to Brady “I hope they find the heartbeat with the Doppler now that the baby is getting bigger.” He agreed. We were called back for our appointment. We started on the scale, like always. Then came the urine sample. Then came the vital signs. Then came the reviewing of medications/allergies/any new changes. Then came the wait for our doctor. A familiar, friendly, and welcome knock came at the door followed by some warm handshakes by our favorite doctor. Handshakes are his signature and we absolutely love him for our doctor. We went through a few routine questions and then I was motioned to get up and lay on top of the crinkly paper on the exam table so we could “take a listen to this baby.”

My belly was exposed, ultrasound gel was placed on it and I remember hearing the static of the Doppler turn on.

Take some breaths. 

The Doppler was placed on my lower abdomen. Static continued. Then I strained while hearing a familiar lub-dub, lub-dub but it was too slow. The doctor confirmed my exact thoughts and said “That was your heartbeat, let’s keep listening.”

You are only 12 weeks gestation and your uterus is tipped backwards. This may take some time. Don’t panic. We have seen this peanut’s heartbeat twice on ultrasound. I’m sure it’s all fine.

“The baby is still quite small at 12 weeks so this could take a little while, there is a ton of room for him/her to move around in there yet.”

Why is my heart racing?  Why do I feel like I’m going to cry at any second? I don’t normally cry easily. Pregnancy hormones.

The search with the Doppler continued for what felt like a long time.  No success. It was clicked off and the static halted to a complete stop.

“I’m having a hard time hearing the heart tones so I want to use the clinic ultrasound machine to take a closer look.”

“Okay?”

I was taken into another room for this. I climbed on top of a larger more comfortable table and the ultrasound screen was just out of my view. There was a little 2 foot skeleton model on the counter in that room that I remember staring at while trying to hold it together and breathe. Just breathe. Brady took it upon himself to scoot up a chair right next to me and he held my hand very tightly. He did not care if he was in anyone’s way; he knew right where he needed to be in this moment and those simple gestures were exactly what I needed. More ultrasound gel was applied to my belly and the larger probe was placed over my uterus and then I saw the doctor’s face and I knew.

Someone say something. Tell me why this room is so quiet. 

“Tina. I am concerned with what I am seeing.”

“What do you mean? Is everything okay?”

“No, I am concerned, it does not look good and I want you to have a formal ultrasound done to confirm what I’m seeing. Unfortunately there is no heartbeat. Your baby looks perfect other than that there is no heartbeat.”

My world stopped and hot tears streamed down the side of my face instantly. I am not one to cry easily at all, especially not in public. But in that moment it didn’t matter. I had no words, just hot tears that would not stop.

We were fortunate enough to be squeezed into the schedule to get the formal ultrasound that day. The formal ultrasound confirmed that our baby was in fact gone. There was no heartbeat. Measurements were taken and the baby measured to be around 10-11 weeks gestation. My body had given me no indication that anything was wrong. There was no cramping, no blood, no lapse in pregnancy symptoms, nothing. We were completely blindsided.  I can still picture my baby, our baby, on that larger ultrasound screen, still a beautiful little peanut but where we had previously seen the flickering of the heart was in its place complete stillness. No movement. That is when it really hit me. I’m a Mom and my baby is gone.

We were sent home and told to wait and see if my body would start things on its own. We had to “untell” everyone our happy news. I still remember showing up at my parents’ house and peering into their front door while I saw them sitting around the kitchen table praying before supper. We waited to knock until we saw my Dad’s lips say “amen”. Grandparents were devastated.  Siblings were devastated. Friends were devastated. It all hurt so bad. The pain was real and raw and it all felt so unfair. I was asked so often in those early days after the news why this happened and initially I had no answer.  I suspect I will not have an answer to that question on this side of heaven.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heaven are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. As the rain and snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. Isaiah 55:8-11

The physical part of miscarrying proved to be as hard as the emotional part and just as prolonged. My body did not do anything on its own other than betray me. I was eventually given vaginal cytotec which did get things going and the baby ended up being “lodged” in my cervix which resulted in a hemorrhage, a trip to the ER, and an overnight hospital stay.

If the early stages of grief could be described as painful, long and confusing I would say the latter stages of grief could be described as a little less painful, long and confusing with a little more acceptance mixed in. For me, grief isn’t something I will ever “get over”. That is okay. I am a Mom and I lost a child. That is part of my story. Grief is unique like that. There is no specific timeline; there are no two people who grieve the same. I have honestly thought more about the child we lost in the past 6 months than I have in the past couple of years. Maybe it’s because I understand God’s grace better now that he has blessed us with two healthy pregnancies? I feel like I comprehend a little better just how precious and fragile life really is. God is always faithful, he is faithful in life and he is faithful in death.

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” –Psalm 139:14-16

I had a vivid dream about one week after I miscarried and in that dream I was in the labor and delivery suite and I gave birth to a beautiful dark curly haired, olive skinned little girl. She was breathtakingly beautiful. While we did not know the gender of our baby I often wonder if this was God’s way of giving me that answer I had desperately prayed for. Interestingly enough we had already both completely agreed on only one name. We had different styles of names but this one was “it” for both of us.  It happened to be a girl name; Lily Grace. Our little Lily Bean. 5 years later I see her in daylilies, in those gorgeous small fluttering white butterflies that fly close enough to almost kiss your face.

I know I am not alone in miscarrying a child. I know there are many of you reading this and nodding along as you, too have plodded down this path. Some of you have suffered multiple miscarriages. It’s never easy but it’s made easier when we share and shoulder each other’s stories, even the hard, sometimes darker parts of our stories. If you don’t have anyone to share your loss with, share it with me. I will listen and I care. My prayer is that you will remember that every single baby matters to our God, He has their days numbered, even in utero, even if they don’t live to see the light of this world. I’m pretty sure the light of heaven beats the light of earth anyway.  But for now, we remember and we trust…

He’s got the whole world in His Hands

He’s got the whole world in His Hands

He’s got the whole world in His Hands

He’s got the whole world in His Hands.

He’s got the little tiny babies in His Hands

He’s got the little tiny babies in His Hands

He’s got the little tiny babies in His Hands

He’s got the whole world in His Hands.

XOXO,

Tina

Tina Kroeze is Amber’s dear friend who is a monthly contributor to Mommy’s Me Time. Most importantly, she is a child of God, saved by grace. She is a registered nurse recently turned full time SAHM to two sweet boys, Gavin Andrew (4) and Spencer Declan (almost 2). Five years ago her first pregnancy ended in a devastating and unexpected miscarriage at 12 weeks. While she misses that sweet baby, she takes comfort knowing that he/she is in the arms of Jesus and she looks forward to seeing her first love again someday. She (mostly) single parents in the months of December to April 15 as her golf-loving better half works as a CPA. This summer marks their 7^th wedding anniversary. She love to encourage moms (especially those going through postpartum depression) through writing as she is a fellow survivor. AND she loves Jesus, organizing, the sun, diet Pepsi and chocolate. 🙂 For more encouragement from Tina, follow her on Instagram: @tinakroeze or feel free to email her at tinakroeze@hotmail.com. 

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