For The Times I Feel Like A Mom Failure

This past weekend I had a break through. My husband and I were chatting after we put our children to bed one night, and I was trying to verbalize to him why it feels so hard to be home alone with the kids for extended periods of time.

When I’m home with them and he’s at work, our relationship can get a bit dicey. Sometimes I’ll shoot him a text about the crazy morning we’ve had, or I’ll send him a picture of my current degree of disaster which doesn’t even need words. If I’m honest, sometimes I get resentful about the fact that he can just come and go as he pleases, and that I’m left to deal with the kids.

He’s been the main breadwinner for our family since day one, and we agreed from the beginning that his schedule would need to take priority, especially if I wanted to stay home. In my heart, I’m okay with that. I always wanted to be at home and raise our children and create a home where everyone felt loved and cared for.

But if I’m honest? I don’t feel like I’m doing it the way I hoped I would.

If I’m honest, most days I feel like I’m failing.

When I’m left alone with four little kids who all want my attention, I rarely feel like I’m the intentional mom I want to be. I’ll sit down to read the girls a book, and halfway through little brother will come and slap the pages, and then pull on his sisters’ hair. Then big brother will need help fixing a transformer who’s leg fell off. While I’m helping him, the girls will have lost interest waiting for me to read to them. I’ll turn around and little brother will have dumped out the dog food all over the floor in his attempt to feed the puppy by himself.

The first few cycles that this happens during the day I’m able to keep my cool. It’s just life with little kids. But by the time this has continued for hours, I’m left feeling like all I’ve done all day is run around is circles trying to keep everybody happy. Yet NO ONE is actually happy.

I’m left feeling like as hard as I try, I just can’t be the mom I want to be.

That’s exactly what I told my husband during our conversation. I told him the reason it feels so overwhelming is because I’m actually trying. I try to keep the house clean, I try to read to them, and do crafts, and snuggle and play, but everything I TRY to do only ever lasts for about 30 seconds before I’m pulled in a different direction.

I start a lot of things, but I hardly ever get to finish them.

As I’ve been thinking about this over the last few days, what my heart keeps telling me is that the important thing is to KEEP STARTING. 

During those moments when real life is exploding in front of me, my first response is to feel sorry for myself. To throw in the towel, to shoot my husband a nasty text and complain about my tragic stay-at-home mom life.

But you know what? I want to be better than that. I want to challenge myself to dig deeper and START again. The thing with kids is that they’re always up for a fresh start. If mom is willing to lead the charge, they’ll almost always follow suit, even if it takes some bribing. 😉

When you feel like you’re failing, the truth is you aren’t. The very fact that you get up every morning and try again and again and again is all that counts.

The more I’m learning, the more I’m realizing that motherhood is all about STARTING and TRUSTING and giving up control. It’s about loving our kids in a way that only we can. It’s about knowing that even if our darkest moments, we are enough.

YOU are enough.

XOXO,

Amber

P.S. For more reflections on parenthood and life, follow us on Facebook (Hun Let’s Run) and on Instagram: @ambermariekuiper and @jakekuiper! We’d also love for you to subscribe to our Hun, Let’s Run Podcast! For more info about joining our fitness community as a customer or coach, please email us at amber@mommysmetime.com!