Mommy’s First Steps: What I’ve Learned In The Early Months Of Motherhood

Hello! My name is Ali and I am so happy to be here with you all. I work as a victim advocate at a center for victims of sexual assault and, as of October 2014, became a momma to a sweet, sassy little girl, Charlotte. I am also wife to an incredible and insanely cute guy named, Jason a.k.a Amber’s brother! So I get to be Auntie to the 4 sweeties you see and read about all the time, and yes, they are even cuter in person!

I feel really humbled to get to share with you about my experiences so far as a first time mom. Something I feel very passionate about is having the freedom to have your OWN experience. As many of you already know, there is a significant amount of research, opinions, and theories on how to act, feel, feed, sleep, bathe, diaper, blah, blah, blah… So don’t let what I say be just another voice in your head on how you should or shouldn’t think or feel. Because by far THE most amazing thing about being a mommy is whose mommy you are. And your sweet one will let you know what they need. So, take it all in. All the firsts. They will be amazing, and life changing, and hard, and scary, and beautiful, and everything. And that’s okay.

The most common question I’ve been asked since having Charlotte (other than, “So when is the next one coming?”…. what?!?) is, “So how do you like being a mom?” This, my friends, is a weird question.

In the first 6 weeks, this question made me want to cry, because I didn’t feel like a mommy. I felt like a lost little girl who was desperately trying to sustain a life.

This question from 6 weeks until about 3 months could have gotten a number of responses, seeing as my hormones were the only thing fully functioning at this point. There were days when I felt like she ate regularly, took a solid nap, smiled at me once or twice, and I thought I pretty much had it figured out. Then the next day she cried all day, pooped bright green, and ate every hour and half. So I would fall apart.

Now, getting asked that question makes me sad. I’m back at work and have been for a month. So I constantly feel like I never have enough time or energy for her, or that I should always be holding her or talking to her or playing with her, regardless of dinner, laundry, dishes, or even my husband. But, have I ever felt more fulfilled in my life? Nope! Is starting my day with her and racing home to her every night the best life I’ve ever known? Yep!

So, how do I like being a mom?… Can you see now why I struggle to respond?

Being a mommy for the first time is incredible. But also remember that this is your FIRST. Meaning you’ve never done this before. Let that sink in sweet momma. It’s okay to have questions. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed. It’s okay to worry about, oh I don’t know, EVERYTHING! I want to share a little bit about what I’ve learned so far on this amazing journey. But don’t fear your own experiences. This baby, no matter how it has come to you, is miraculous. And he/she is YOURS. All they need is YOU. Rest in that.

So, on to the juicy stuff 🙂

I knew this baby would change everything. And I knew having a daughter would mean bows and ruffles and mommy daughter date nights. But as far as the in’s and out’s of having a newborn, that I entered into in ignorant bliss. But I do have a couple of things that took me a bit by surprise…

Worry. I can’t describe to you how much I worried. I so vividly remember the way I felt the night she was born and all of our family and friends left us. Alone. With this baby. Even though I was at a hospital with nurses at my beckon call, I was terrified! I worried about her weight, I worried about her jaundice, I worried about her stuffy nose, I worried about her dry skin, I worried about nursing, I worried about the color of her poop. If I heard so much of a sniffle from someone in the room, I was convinced she was going to get terminally ill and I’d lose her. And that was the root of all my worry. This little person who I had spent the last 9 months of my life planning for and dreaming about was now here. And the idea of life moving forward without her was completely unbearable to me. So instead of cherishing the beautiful healthy baby that she was, I worried. And I wished infancy away because, in my mind, the older she got, the safer the world was for her. Worry steals joy. I remember crying to my mom, wishing that I could just enjoy her like everybody else did. Instead she terrified me. I started to understand the trap I fell into with worry.

Thankfully, hormones leveling out (seriously, hormones are no.joke.) and truth spoken to me from my amazing friends and family helped me to see that even though this is all new to me, I’m capable. I’m her momma and her needs are basic. I’m sustaining her life and that is beautiful. So, don’t be taken captive by worry, sweet friends. Know that in the midst of feeling like you have no idea what is happening, YOU are their life source and that’s enough. Choose JOY.

Time. This one was, and still is, a big one for me. Ever since Lottie was born, Jas and I have both said that we desperately wish there were more hours in the day. For the first month or so, Lottie wouldn’t go down until midnight or 1:00am. It was these nights Jas and I wished for more time together; we missed each other, our dates on the coach with take out and a movie, our conversations we’d have in bed until I fell asleep in the middle of a sentence.

Then, I started back to work and Lottie went to daycare (where she prefers to NOT sleep; far too much fun stuff going on). So now, she’s in bed by 7:30-8:00 every night. By the time we are home, that’s 2 hours with her. And we bounce and talk and try so hard to keep her awake. But her sweet eyes get heavy and off she goes to sleep. Then we are left with hours of time together, wishing we had gotten more time during the day with her. So we are intentional with our time. As a working momma, I make sure I take a lunch break as often as I can. I go spend an hour with her, feed her, play with her, let her sleep in my arms. I need it far more than she does, but it helps.

And we bask in our weekends. We can’t put more hours in our lives. So we strive to put more life in our hours.

Love. Okay, before you roll your eyes, hear me out on this. My sweet baby girl has taught me SO much about love. For some reason, this tiny human has the capacity to open your heart in a way that you’ve never known. Now, when I see a child throw themselves down on the floor in IKEA, I feel for that mom and that little one. It’s not like I’ve been there. My three month old doesn’t exactly throw fits. But I do know how nerve wracking it is to leave the house and wonder if I’ll have to run out of the grocery store, leaving my full cart behind, with an infant wailing in her car seat. I do know how much my heart hurts when I hear my baby cry, and that probably won’t change even when she’s 4 and naughty. I see the dependency and vulnerability in my baby girl and it reminds me to choose love. So far, my daughter only knows this world as a place that is good. The people she has encountered so far treat her with gentleness and kindness. This idea makes me so desperately want to make that a reality for her forever. And for every person. Incredibly, seeing my innocent baby, with such basic needs, makes me see a bit of “baby” in everyone. Individuals who just want to be seen and heard and loved.

Pace. I used to work at a center for kiddos with developmental delays. In my time there I saw the beauty of pace and letting a child learn as they discovered. I remember going home and telling my husband, “I never want to rush my child through life.” I just knew I’d be the kind of mom who would wait patiently at the car door while she figures out to unbuckle herself and climb out, I’d love every minute of walking through daily tasks with her and explaining how things work and letting her look and feel and explore. News flash: my kid is 3 months old and I’ve already noticed myself watching the clock during her feedings, thinking we only have 15 more minutes until Jas gets home and I want to get that chicken in the oven.

Then, out of nowhere, my baby puts her tiny hands up on her bottle. It hit me like a ton of bricks. One day, all too soon, she will hold that bottle herself, and she won’t need me to feed her anymore. So I’ve worked really hard at slowing down. It’s okay if I don’t make it to Sunday School on time. It’s okay if my husband would rather coo at her for 5 minutes before changing her, they haven’t gotten to chat all day. And it’s okay that I get nothing done until my sweet one is fed, changed, and sound asleep in her bed. Learning to prioritize and slow our life down has been an adjustment, but also so very freeing.

So, for those of you about to be a momma for the first time, hold on to your hearts. This baby will, in fact, change everything. But don’t misunderstand that. I don’t see it as my life being completely flipped upside down, I see it as my life being completely enhanced. You get to add a new dimension to your world that is full of mystery and giggles and tiny toes and the most immense love you will ever know. So, don’t be scared momma. You’re going to be so great at this. And when you doubt yourself, go into the nursery and scoop that baby up. Look into the eyes of your sweet one and remember that you are exactly what they need. You do enough, you know enough, you are enough.

XOXO,

Ali

Thank you so much for sharing, Ali! For more writing by Ali, follow the Mommy’s Me Time Facebook page, where she’s been sharing this week and will continue to share in the future! She’s also on Instagram: (@ali8209)