I’d Do Anything To Go Back For A Day…

When I was a brand new mom, do you know what phrase used to bother me the very most?

“It goes so fast.”

This was usually said to me as I was covered in spit up and so exhausted I  couldn’t think straight.

I literally remember thinking to myself SOOOO many times, “Easy for you to say, you’re not in the thick of it anymore. You probably forgot how hard this is.” 

When I think back to the baby stage, it was hands down some of the hardest work I’ve ever done in my life. It was physically exhausting, which affected EVERYTHING.

I gave birth to 4 kids in less than 3 years, and I was basically drowning in diapers for as far as the eye could see. When I wasn’t changing a diaper, I was nursing the baby or trying to keep an eye on my twin toddlers who were running in opposite directions. Or maybe you’d find me trying to keep my three year old from tearing apart the house. On top of that, there were the basic household things like making sure we all had clean underwear, and fighting through piles upon piles of dirty dishes.

It was HARD WORK.

It felt NEVER-ENDING.

But amidst the chaos, their little bodies were growing day by day. I was so busy taking care of them, that their growth would sneak up on me. I’d remember how quickly it was going whenever they’d grow out of another size of clothing. I’d pack away their newborn clothes, then 3-6 months, then 6-9 months, then 9-12 month, and soon enough they’d be walking (WALKING – when did my baby start WALKING) around wearing the cutest little toddler outfits.

Those busy toddlers would keep growing. They’d trade their precious waddled walking for running, and they’d start talking a mile a minute. They’d be able to learn letters and would actually sit long enough to let me read them stacks of books.

Another month, another season would pass, and although it wasn’t as rapid as the baby stage, they’d outgrow 2T, 3T, and 4T.

Soon enough, we were looking ahead at Kindergarten. I remember holding my firstborn as a baby feeling like Kindergarten was a world away. And yet there we were, knocking at it’s door.

Right now my oldest is in first grade, my twins are in Kindergarten, and my youngest is in Pre-K.

Yesterday we were at the park with a friend of mine who has three daughters, spaced about the same as our kids, but her youngest is just 15 months. As she was holding the baby on her hip while she chased around the three year old, and kept an eye on her Kindergartener all at the same time, I had this feeling sweep over my entire body. It hit me like a ton of bricks that I will never be in that stage ever again, and while I remember it like it was yesterday, as times goes on those precious days will only be faint memories.

The timing of all this happening was so interesting because lately I’ve been feeling sentimental at every turn. I can see DAILY how quickly my kids are growing and it terrifies me. It feels like life is literally slipping through my fingers, and while I’m right here in the midst of it all, my heart hurts because I can feel it passing by all too quickly. And I’d do just about anything to slow it down.

It never affected me like this when I  was in the baby stage. I  think the pure exhaustion must have warped my emotional lens. Now that I’m sleeping more and my kids don’t need me 100% of the time, I  can see with perfect clarity that this ride we’re on is moving at the speed of light.

I’d do anything to go back for a day to when I could interact with the 3 year old, 17 month olds, and newborn versions of my kids. Just to have a day where I could see that stage the way I see it now.

If you’d ask any of our parents, I’m guessing they’d say the same thing. If they could only go back and interact with the 5 year old versions of us. Or the 11 year old ones. Or even the teenage rebels.

As I’ve been wrestling with all of this, and shedding tears far too often then I’d like to admit, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s actually healthy to let ourselves become emotional. The truth is, every stage we leave behind as a parent is a loss. Of course it’s a GOOD LOSS because obviously we want our kids to continue to grow and thrive and live the lives they were created to live. But we’ll still feel the loss. As they grow we’ll lose the baby versions of children, then we’ll lose the elementary aged versions, then middle school, then high school, then college, and then the single versions, and the cycle will continue. Beautiful blessings will happen in every stage, but its not going to be easy letting them go a little more each year.

In my heart, I  know one thing. I want to be a PRESENT parent in every stage. I don’t want to constantly live in the “good old days.” Of course it’s fun to reminisce and look back fondly on memories, but if we don’t go through the process of grieving and moving on, I  personally feel like I’ll spend too much of my time looking back that I’ll never truly be present in the season I’m in.

So today, I’m going to look back at old photos from when my kids were babies. I’ll probably ugly cry about how cute they were, but then I’m going to embrace the season we’re in NOW, and make the very most of it.

Because one day, I’ll do anything to come back to this day.

xo,

Amber

P.S. For more reflections on parenthood and life, follow us on Facebook (Hun Let’s Run) and on Instagram: @ambermariekuiper and @jakekuiper! We’d also love for you to subscribe to our Hun, Let’s Run Podcast! For more info about joining our fitness community as a customer or coach, please email us at amber@mommysmetime.com!