If there was one misconception I had as a working mom it was that stay-at-home moms all had an abundance of quality time with their kids. I mean, they had to, didn’t they? Every waking minute of every hour was spent with their littles so certainly that equated to quality time, right? Their kids weren’t spending 6, 7, 8, 9, dare I say 10 hours a day away from them at care centers so they must be bursting at the seam with QT.
I’m new to this SAHM gig. I’ve been at it a little over a month now and that misconception has been blown out of the water. Quantity time does not necessarily equal quality time with your kids. Just because you are with them every minute of every day does not mean you will automatically enjoy quality time with them.
I am still trying desperately to get into my own groove in this whole SAHM thing. Am I a mom who thrives on a schedule or should we just play it by ear? Should I attend play groups regularly or should I allow my kids to socialize at home together? When do I do the laundry? When do I cook? When do I have me time?
I’m trying to give myself grace, because like any new job, it takes time to find your groove and that’s okay. I remember some of my first shifts as an RN needing to manage 5 patients and start IV’s, NG’s, insert foley catheters, etc and I felt like I was all thumbs all the time. Then, after some time and practice it started to feel less foreign to me. I’m praying with time, being a SAHM will follow suit.
I have never in my life spent this much time in my house and if I’m completely transparent, it is hard, really hard at times for me not to put on an extra show or three on the TV so I can clean, cook, do laundry, or pick up the toys that are constantly strewn everywhere.
And for the sake of being honest, there are moments when I think can’t these kids entertain themselves (quietly and cleanly) for 30 minutes?! For the love. I know it’s wrong to look at children as an inconvenience but there are moments when that is exactly how my mom heart feels. That’s why I need Jesus, friends.
When I worked, I left home to drop my kids off at daycare around 7:30am. This meant we left the house in a mess but I wasn’t forced to see that mess again until 5:30pm when I got home with them. The mess didn’t grow, or change. When I finally picked my kids up from daycare and got home I had genuinely missed them and would have never thought to clean the mess without spending quality time with them first since I had been away from them the entire day.
Being home with them more has actually made it harder to make them a priority. Sometimes I feel like since we’ve co-existed all day long that must count for something. Now that home is my kids’ main area of play, the mess grows and changes all the time and it’s enough to make my type A personality wig out just a tad some days. It’s hard because my new job involves caring for the kids AND maintaining a house simultaneously. That’s not an easy balance. I can’t spend all my time caring for my house and I can’t spend all my time caring solely for my kids.
The solution I’m currently trying? Pencil in quality time (for me preferably one on one time) with each of my kids every day. It doesn’t have to be 3 hours long. 30 minutes to 1 hour of your undivided attention for your child will go a LONG way. It will refresh both of you. I have recently started using ‘The Simplified Planner’ designed by Emily Ley and I am trying really hard to be proactive and intentional in doing this.
Maybe it’s as simple as snuggling with them in their room reading their favorite books, character voices optional. Maybe it’s a special Mommy/Daughter or Mommy/Son lunch date. Maybe it’s a park date with just the two of you. Maybe they get to be your big helper with making supper or baking cookies and instead of being worked up over the mess; you simply expect it and be okay with it.
After all, someone cleaned up after you (and me) when we were little and messy. It’s our turn now. Maybe it means shutting off your i-phone, you know the thing your kids run to you if you are ever without it because they think you might die if it’s not in your hands (please tell me I’m not the only person whose kids do this), and just get down on the floor and play in their world with them.
These moments are so fleeting. Our children will always need us, but how long will it be their desire to just simply be with us? How long will it be cool if you read to them in silly voices and dance like no one is watching together? During a dance party my 4 year old has already said, “Stop it Mom, you’re embarrassing me.” What?!
My point is this. Let’s not miss out on these moments with our kids. Whether you work full time, part time, or work solely inside your home, let’s all join forces, stop comparing the quantity of time we have with our children and be intentional with spending quality time with them. Let’s give each other grace as this can be challenging no matter what boat you find yourself in.
XOXO,
Tina
Tina Kroeze is Amber’s dear friend who is a monthly contributor to Mommy’s Me Time. Most importantly, she is a child of God, saved by grace. She is a registered nurse recently turned full time SAHM to two sweet boys, Gavin Andrew (4) and Spencer Declan (almost 2). Five years ago her first pregnancy ended in a devastating and unexpected miscarriage at 12 weeks. While she misses that sweet baby, she takes comfort knowing that he/she is in the arms of Jesus and she looks forward to seeing her first love again someday. She (mostly) single parents in the months of December to April 15 as her golf-loving better half works as a CPA. This summer marks their 7th wedding anniversary. She love to encourage moms (especially those going through postpartum depression) through writing as she is a fellow survivor. AND she loves Jesus, organizing, the sun, diet Pepsi and chocolate. 🙂 For more encouragement from Tina, follow her on Instagram: @tinakroeze.
P.S. For more reflections on parenthood and life, follow us on Facebook (Hun Let’s Run) and on Instagram: @ambermariekuiper and @jakekuiper! We’d also love for you to subscribe to our Hun, Let’s Run Podcast! For more info about joining our fitness community as a customer or coach, please email us at amber@mommysmetime.com!
4 Comments
Tina-THANK YOU!!!! This post totally hit home for me. I struggle as well with my Type A self and being a SAHM. Thank you for being real and saying what so many feel.
Tina, Relax and enjoy, a little bit of a routine helps. Like you I was a nurse, I lost my first baby at 26 weeks gestation and my second at 16 weeks. When I finally had a full term baby I stayed home for the first year and then went back to work part-time. We moved and to cut a long story short I just could not force myself to go back to work. I missed my little girl too much. I grew up as a latch key kid and never knew what it was like to have my Mom at home. My mother’s sister had children and she stayed home to look after them and they seemed like such a happy family compared to mine. And this came from a child looking in from the outside. Weekends with my parents at home was awful as there was so much to be done and no real quality time to be had. I was brought up in a Christian home and still have the love of Jesus to this day. The thing is not all women are cut out to be stay at home Moms or for that matter to be Moms at all. In the end I stayed home and had 2 more children and never regretted it. We didn’t have a lot of fancy things living on one income but we had lots of love. I re lived my childhood through my children and saw life through their eyes. I used to wonder how I would ever get everything done as we also ran a hobby farm and had animals. Every Monday I put a list on the fridge that I wanted to accomplish that week and it really helped. As the children grew older I incorporated the housework into playtime and they helped with laundry and loading the dishwasher and putting toys away and making their beds. They grew into it naturally and we had lots of quality time. Sometimes, I got up a little earlier than them to vacuum or take care of things that were more difficult to do when the children were around. I developed a system and it worked and I was happy. It was a long day and sometimes I was on night shift too if one was ill. In time you will settle down and will be able to make the decision that works best for the family, because they do have a say in this too. Not every Mom can afford to stay home and I do feel sorry for them and I can’t think on anything worse than having to drag your children out of the house at 6 a.m. on a miserable cold morning. I do believe the formative years shape the child and Moms should be able to stay home until children attend school. If I ran the country this would be the law. I have seen and felt it from both sides and for my family I made the right decision. I am an elderly lady now and my nest is empty but I pride myself in having done a good job. I raised 3 successful independent daughters. This was my full-time job and I never thought about quantity and quality I just did the best job that I could. This is what it boils down to in the end no matter the choice.
GREAT read tonight! I too am transitioning into the stay-at-home-mom role. Thank you for reminding me to take time to PLAY with them one-on-one and to not just lump them all together as a crowd. I need to make that a goal for my new role with being home all the time. Thanks Tina!
so true and I think every SAHM has these thoughts and feelings. I work part time and miss my children terribly on those days. The day I’m home after a working day I find myself spending a lot of quality time with them. However, the second day I’m home…I’m sneaking away to put in a load of laundry or other cleaning. I try to make cleaning fun and include them though. My oldest (almost 2) loves to help vacuum – I let her push it around and we take turns. She also likes to “sweep” with her broom when I am sweeping with mine. I consider this still spending quality time while teaching them that chores can be fun – and I get a little cleaning done too!