It was October in Chicago. I woke up in in the middle of the night by pain worse than I’d ever felt before. We lived in a tiny fixer-upper in the western suburbs, and our bedroom was tucked up at the top floor. I remember waddling down the creaky stairs to the bathroom, and then waddling back up to try to lay back down. Ten minutes later, the pain came back. This happened a few more times before I woke up my husband and said with tears in my eyes, “I think it’s time!”
We grabbed our bag, hopped in the car, and started the 15 – 20 minute trek to the hospital. We were 25 years old. We’d spent the last 3 years as a newly married couple, without a care in the world outside of going to our jobs everyday. We had NO idea how our lives were about to be ROCKED. As we drove down the freeway, I remember being scared out of my freaking MIND, but doing my best to pull it together. With each contraction, I’d grab the door handle as hard as I could, realizing in that moment just how naive I had been because I finally understanding what REAL CONTRACTIONS felt like. HO-LY CRAP. It was getting REAL.
And then it happened. About 4 hours after we were admitted, there he was. Baylen Jacob, our baby BOY, was HERE. The nurses laid him on my chest. My husband and I cried tears of indescribable joy. We MADE this tiny human TOGETHER?! Woah.
Those first few hours were insane as I learned SO many new things, (including how humbling it is to hobble around in mesh underwear filled with witch hazel pads, and the glorious gift of a squirt bottle filled with warm water ?).
But as I was sitting in the hospital bed, holding Baylen in my arms, I remember envisioning his life. I was looking at my newborn baby, but my mind kept thinking about all the stages I’d get to experience with him. I imagined taking him on walks in the stroller. I thought about how fun it would be to use all the baby toys we’d been gifted. I thought about him learning how to walk, run, and ride bike. Then it hit me. In just 5 – 6 years, he’d be going to school. The thought of it made me anxious so I quickly made myself think of something else. After all, 5 – 6 years is a LONG time away. I didn’t need to think about that right now.
That fall I started to attend a weekly playdate with other moms and their kiddos at our church. As I’d talk to other moms, they were always quick to remind me just how fast it goes. How quickly kids grow up. I was in the thick of sleep deprivation at the time, and honestly sometimes I found it annoying. I didn’t WANT to be in this stage forever! ?
But they were right. I didn’t understand it until I experienced it for myself. Those first five years are a flicker. One minute you’re in the hospital bed, and the next you’re taking them back to school shopping. ?
My oldest is going into second grade this year, but I remember the emotions I felt when he entered Kindergarten like it was yesterday.
I was a hot mess. He had gone to preschool, but sending him to Kindergarten was different. It all just felt so official. I knew in my heart he’d do great, but yet I couldn’t control the random bouts of tears and anxiety thinking about my baby being out in the real world without me.
I didn’t get much sleep the night before school started. That next morning I helped him get dressed, and oh my goodness he looked so handsome. My heart exploded in a million pieces. We got to school, and I strapped on his backpack. It looked so huge and ridiculous on his little body, which made me want to cry because I remembered how TINY he still was compared to all the big kids I saw in the hallways. I held it together at drop off, but once I got back to my car, I lost it.
????
How on earth did this happen so quickly?
Is he going to be okay?
Does he know how to open up everything I put in his lunch box?
Will the other kids be kind to him? Will he be kind to them?
Will he like his teacher?
Is he scared right now?
Does he miss me?
????
That first day I watched the clock like a hawk. I counted down the hours and minutes until I could pick him up and ask him all about his day. I drove up to school and got there early, and then I was nervous about how to navigate the car pool line! So many firsts that first day that raise your anxiety level! ?
Then I saw him. He made it! He did it! His first day of Kindergarten was in the books, and you know what? He did GREAT. He did so much better than me! ?
Momma friends, you did an AMAZING job the last first 5 years. You equipped them so well to handle what’s coming their way. They are going to THRIVE. It might take some of our kids longer to adjust (the following year my twin girls cried every morning for the first 6 weeks) but they will settle in eventually and learn to love their new normal. All of you will.
Your little Kindergartener knows you love them SO MUCH, and honestly, that’s really ALL that matters. Don’t worry about whether or not they know their ABCs, or if they are at the same level as other kids their age. That’ll come. Just focus on LOVING the HECK out of them. Even when they come home crabby and exhausted, because trust me that first month they will, and you’ll wonder what happened to your sweet child. Give them grace, the new routine is a lot on their little bodies!
And when you find yourself wanting to cry, cry, and cry some more, use that energy instead and get EXCITED. Your little one is about to embark on a year of growth and adventure that will build a firm foundation for the rest of their life. You’ll watch them grow so much physically, emotionally, socially, and academically. They’ll make friends, learn all kinds of interesting things, and bring home adorable projects that they’ll be so proud to show you. They’ll turn into the sweetest “big kid” and your heart will be so full.
Most of all, remember when you aren’t with your child, their CREATOR is. God is watching over your little one every step of the way. He knows every detail of their Kindergarten year, every trial they’ll go through, and every victory they’ll achieve.
He’s got our kids in the palms of His hands, and they ARE going to be okay! And He’s got YOU in the palm of His hands too.
You’re not alone, friend. You’re never ever alone in this journey of motherhood.
Have the BEST Kindergarten year EVER!
xo,
Amber
P.S. For more everyday motherhood moments, follow me on Instagram (@ambermariekuiper) and on Facebook (Hun Let’s Run)!
