This weekend I went to the Influence Conference. It was a much needed girls’ weekend with my sister-in-law, Madison, and my friend, Laura. We left our kids and husbands behind and had three full days to soak up time with each other and meet other bloggers and creatives from around the country.
Going into the weekend, I had hopes that I’d leave with a clear direction to move forward. The last few years have been a whirlwind. I went from being an event planner who worked all day to being a mom who stayed at home to take care of my kids.
I type that out and see it in writing and it doesn’t seem like a big deal. Plenty of women become stay-at-home moms. It’s an ordinary thing to do.
At first it was all kind of exciting. After all, it was my DREAM to be a stay-at-home mom. I started with a clean slate and thought about all the ways I could create a home in which my babies felt loved and cared for.
When we decorated our first baby’s nursery I remember thinking about how I could make the space as functional and adorable as possible. I dreamed about rocking my baby in the chair, and changing his sweet little bottom on the changing table. I hung every tiny piece of clothing in the closet and imagined his baby rolls filling them out perfectly.
Being a stay-at-home mom was going to be the most fulfilling time in my life. I was going to raise little people and it would be my greatest joy.
Then I became a mom. It was love at first sight. I got to take my tiny baby home to the perfect nursery and rock him in our brand new chair. I got to dress him in the darling baby clothes and shower him with endless hugs and kisses. We took the stroller on adventures and I was thrilled when anyone stopped us to take a peak at my little bundle.
Day after day, I truly felt like I was the luckiest person in the world.
The first eight months sort of blew by. Then we got pregnant again! This time, with TWINS! In that time, I felt a strong calling to start a blog. I started sharing my heart and realized that not only did I feel alive when I was mothering, but I ALSO felt alive when I was encouraging other mothers!
Life went on. I kept writing. My blog grew while my kids grew. Now, I felt confused. I felt so sure that I wanted to be a stay at home mom, but I also felt so sure that I wanted to be a blogger. In the meantime, I had my FOURTH baby!
Blogging started to feel like an escape for me.
It felt like an escape because stay-at-home mom life felt ordinary. My days as a mom are very similar. We do the same things day in and day out, with occasional play dates or trips to the zoo to change it up. Every day my kids need me to make them breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Every day they need me to help them put their clothes on and wash them after they’ve gotten them dirty. Every day they need me to pick up their messes and kiss their boo-boos. Every day they need me to break up fights between them and foster a culture of love and respect. Every day, they need me so much that I’m absolutely drained.
When I have a few hours to go to a coffee shop and type out a blog post, my heart feels full again. But at the same time, I feel guilty about doing it. I feel bad when I hire a babysitter and my kids cry when I leave. I feel guilty when I come home and have missed an afternoon with them.
It’s funny, because I’m genuinely happy and supportive of other moms who work outside the home, but when it comes to myself, I feel paralyzed. I feel like I’m copping out of this role God has trusted me with. In a way, I guess I feel like I’m admitting that I don’t have what it takes to be a stay-at-home mom. And that makes me feel like a failure.
That’s where I was going into the weekend. I was confused because over the past couple of years I have developed a passion for blogging and fitness. My heart feels alive when I’m doing those things. But I also don’t want to have any regrets. I don’t want to look back five years from now when all my kids are in school and wish I’d spent more time with them.
This weekend, I had the privilege of being commissioned into motherhood by Lisa Jo Baker. The Lord used her to speak deeply into my soul.
Here’s the thing. When Jesus calls a mother, he calls her children with her. What does that mean exactly? To me, it means that I don’t have to be scared of my passions that go beyond the four walls of my home. I don’t have to feel guilty if I want to pursue them. If I’m confident that Jesus is calling me in a direction, I can confidently include my children in that calling.
When I need to leave the house to work, that means I’m going to explain to them where I’m going. I can tell them that God has asked Mommy to encourage and affirm other women through writing. I can tell them that God cares about the bodies He’s given us and that mommy is going to help other women to be healthy for Him. As they get older, I can leave them a list of ways they can pray for Mommy while I’m gone.
When I’m at home with them it means asking them to help me make a meal for a friend who needs one. Or visiting an old person’s home. Or loving them with the love of Christ in the simple moments.
Bringing my children into my calling means that I don’t need to find my identity in being a stay-at-home mom. It doesn’t have to be black and white. I don’t need to feel like I should spend a certain number of hours per week with them and a certain number of hours away in order to feel like I’m a good mom.
Being sure of my calling and bringing my children along means FREEDOM. Freedom from guilt. Freedom from stereotypes. Freedom from fear. Freedom from comparison.
As mothers, we need to stop comparing ourselves to others, and ONLY run after Jesus. Each of our journeys is going to look different. Some of us will be called to stay at home full time. Some of us will be called to stay-at-home part-time. Some of us won’t be called to be stay-at-home moms at all! All that matters is that that we’re listening to Jesus to give us that direction. We can still impact the hearts of our children for eternity no matter what we’re called to.
So where does that leave me? It leaves me knowing that God has grown this blog for a reason, and it isn’t to make me feel guilty. I felt a very clear calling this weekend that He’s asking me to invest MORE time into it. He doesn’t want me to be scared. He wants me to be available.
Today my heart goes out to any other mom who might be at a crossroads. Who might be wondering if there’s more for her. Not more in the sense that being a mom isn’t enough, but more in the sense that Jesus IS enough. My prayer for you is that you’d take the time to fiercely pray about the emotions and feelings going on in your soul. Take the time to dream. And whether your calling is at home or elsewhere, be confident that you are going to influence hearts for eternity.
XOXO,
Amber
P.S. For more reflections on parenthood and life, follow us on Facebook (Hun Let’s Run) and on Instagram: @ambermariekuiper and @jakekuiper! We’d also love for you to subscribe to our Hun, Let’s Run Podcast! For more info about joining our fitness community as a customer or coach, please email us at amber@mommysmetime.com!
11 Comments
Great post! I am so happy for you.
Thank you so much- this is just what my heart needed to hear! I have gone from working full time to two days a week and there are so many times I feel guilty about loving/not loving either place I am enough. I am learning to take things day by day and be happy where I am at that moment- because that is where God has placed me!
Thank you so much for sharing, it’s exactly what I’ve been going through over the last few months. I think it’s sometimes hard to find your identity and calling after you become a momma without feeling the guilt. I keep feeling like there’s more for me too and truly feel like everything is starting to fall into place. I’m grateful to have someone like you to help inspire me along the way <3
Ah, this SPOKE to me!! I can relate so well, my friend. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and what you learned this weekend. I needed to read this. xoxo
Thank you SO much for this encouragement! It is good to be reminded that we need not feel guilty about where God has called us. I find it hard going to work everyday, but God has placed me here for His glory! How powerful it was for me to read that I can bring my kids along, asking them to pray for me, asking them to pray for my employees, etc…
I’m so glad you had such an incredible time at Influence Conference! This post resonates with me deeply, as I’ve been really struggling with my desire to be a SAHM and to pursue my career more at the same time. So thank you for sharing your story, and for the reminder to fix my desires on Christ and follow His direction for my life. 🙂
xo
My best friend sent me this link and said, “you wrote this,right?” Because you are describing me to a T. I have been blogging for years but recently rebranded and chose the monetize route because I felt God encouraging me to do that. Now I question myself bc it pulls me away from my kids…. And it’s not exactly adding income yet. I am a food and fitness fanatic and often feel guilty because 2 hours of our day is spent at Crossfit per day (including driving there, loading/unloading 2 under 2, etc). I wrote a place about my dark place (http://www.akreativewhim.com/the-dark-place/ ) a few weeks ago and was so encouraged to know that so many feel the same way- in fact everyone except my MIL was crazy supportive. I want motherhood to be “enough”, but for me it’s not. I feel used up and purposeless. Thank you for speaking truth!
I remember when you started this blog. 🙂 It was such a Godsend then, as it is now. I’m thankful for you and that you’re following the calling & passion that Jesus has placed on your heart. You’ve already blessed at least one woman…me! Thank YOU!
This was so encouraging, thanks for sharing your heart! I also struggle with knowing God has called me to be home with my kids, but also knowing that he has given me passions and talents outside the home. This gives me permission to pursue them and figure out what works for OUR family and not worry about what it looks like to others.
I really needed to hear this!
I accidentally found your blog through google and started reading it. I know that this is an old post, but it really spoke to my heart. I have been a stay at home Mom for over 10 years and only started a blog casually about a year ago. Recently, I decided that I wanted it to be more. However, the guilt factor is crazy, sometimes. I, personally, also homeschool my 3 kids and to say my life is full is probably an understatement. However, I really believe God has given me a passion to inspire and encourage women. Thank you for writing this post.