This past weekend I had a break through. My husband and I were chatting after we put our children to bed one night, and I was trying to verbalize to him why it feels so hard to be home alone with the kids for extended periods of time.
When I’m home with them and he’s at work, our relationship can get a bit dicey. Sometimes I’ll shoot him a text about the crazy morning we’ve had, or I’ll send him a picture of my current degree of disaster which doesn’t even need words. If I’m honest, sometimes I get resentful about the fact that he can just come and go as he pleases, and that I’m left to deal with the kids.
He’s been the main breadwinner for our family since day one, and we agreed from the beginning that his schedule would need to take priority, especially if I wanted to stay home. In my heart, I’m okay with that. I always wanted to be at home and raise our children and create a home where everyone felt loved and cared for.
But if I’m honest? I don’t feel like I’m doing it the way I hoped I would.
If I’m honest, most days I feel like I’m failing.
When I’m left alone with four little kids who all want my attention, I rarely feel like I’m the intentional mom I want to be. I’ll sit down to read the girls a book, and halfway through little brother will come and slap the pages, and then pull on his sisters’ hair. Then big brother will need help fixing a transformer who’s leg fell off. While I’m helping him, the girls will have lost interest waiting for me to read to them. I’ll turn around and little brother will have dumped out the dog food all over the floor in his attempt to feed the puppy by himself.
The first few cycles that this happens during the day I’m able to keep my cool. It’s just life with little kids. But by the time this has continued for hours, I’m left feeling like all I’ve done all day is run around is circles trying to keep everybody happy. Yet NO ONE is actually happy.
I’m left feeling like as hard as I try, I just can’t be the mom I want to be.
That’s exactly what I told my husband during our conversation. I told him the reason it feels so overwhelming is because I’m actually trying. I try to keep the house clean, I try to read to them, and do crafts, and snuggle and play, but everything I TRY to do only ever lasts for about 30 seconds before I’m pulled in a different direction.
I start a lot of things, but I hardly ever get to finish them.
As I’ve been thinking about this over the last few days, what my heart keeps telling me is that the important thing is to KEEP STARTING.
During those moments when real life is exploding in front of me, my first response is to feel sorry for myself. To throw in the towel, to shoot my husband a nasty text and complain about my tragic stay-at-home mom life.
But you know what? I want to be better than that. I want to challenge myself to dig deeper and START again. The thing with kids is that they’re always up for a fresh start. If mom is willing to lead the charge, they’ll almost always follow suit, even if it takes some bribing. 😉
When you feel like you’re failing, the truth is you aren’t. The very fact that you get up every morning and try again and again and again is all that counts.
The more I’m learning, the more I’m realizing that motherhood is all about STARTING and TRUSTING and giving up control. It’s about loving our kids in a way that only we can. It’s about knowing that even if our darkest moments, we are enough.
YOU are enough.
XOXO,
Amber
P.S. For more reflections on parenthood and life, follow us on Facebook (Hun Let’s Run) and on Instagram: @ambermariekuiper and @jakekuiper! We’d also love for you to subscribe to our Hun, Let’s Run Podcast! For more info about joining our fitness community as a customer or coach, please email us at amber@mommysmetime.com!
13 Comments
Boy do I completely relate with this post, 1,000%. Being a mom is so hard, Don’t be too hard on yourself, I’m sure your kids think the world of you. I’ve had to tell myself lately to take one moment (not a whole day) at a time. It has helped.
Thanks for sharing Amber! I’m a stay at home of 5, a set of twin boys too!, and it always feels like a roller coaster ride. Some days I feel like I’ve nailed it and other days I can’t believe I just yelled at my kids after I’ve promised myself for the umpteenth time that I was a no yelling mom from now on! Praying constantly for Gods grace and patience as we continue doing the most important job on earth! Check out My 3 Princes on fb.. I think you would really enjoy her take on raising their young boys 🙂
Oh my goodness! I love this post! You put into words exactly how I feel as a stay at home mom! Thanks for sharing!
From a fellow mom of four under five, this was encouraging to read! I’m enjoying your blog!
I’m reading this with tears in my eyes. Thank you so much! I feel so alone and I struggle with resentment toward my husband that he gets to come and go as he pleases. Yet this is what I always wanted and still do. And yes I run around in circles all day. Thank you for being open and honest. God bless you for being transparent!
Amber, I am right there with you girl. I go through a whole day, yet accomplishing nothing, putting out “fires” that never really go away, and then walk out of the room with tears swelling up in my eyes some days because I don’t think i can go on any longer lol. But when I stop and pray about it, God, our comforter, is always there to get me through it. As a reminder, you are exactly where God wants you to be right now, and you are doing great. Thanks for sharing your honesty, all us moms need to hear it 😉
Wow, I read this at just the right time! I’m only 5 1/2 months into this stay-at-home mom thing, but I relate so much to things you shared, today feeling it more than normal! Like resenting my husband and starting things that I don’t finish. A little bit ago I was searching for part-time jobs haha! I was feeling desperate for something to mix up the day and get me out of the house! You make such a great point about just KEEP STARTING. Thanks for sharing!
This is so wonderful. I always appreciate your honesty and I’m not sure I’ve ever commented before. You captured how I feel so well. I’m not the mother I thought I would be, but my hope is that in 20 years my children will look back and think I WAS that mother. Thank you.
I hear you! A friend just suggested I pop by here; you are me a year ago! I have 4 girls, identical twins in the middle and the youngest 17 months later. They are now 7,4,4, and 2, so I’m home with the younger 3 full-time. I have found staying at home to be the most rigorous spiritual endeavour I’ve ever taken on. There are no thank yous, little appreciation, and the rewards are usually the ‘big picture/long term’ kind. So, we reframe it, right? Work on things moment by moment. Keep trying. It ends up making us feel more like the women we want to be, and that rubs off on kids. (except when they are 4. when they are 4, they are just consistently difficult!)
This is me every day and I only have one kid right now! You hit the nail on the head though – we ARE trying, but not seeing a whole lot of results and that’s why it’s so hard. I feel like I’m failing as a mom sometimes because I want to read to my daughter more, but her attention span lasts about half a page so that quickly get vetoed. Or she runs out of my lap! I try to keep the house clean but a mobile little one seems to undo it all in seconds. It’s so hard! Thanks for your honesty.
I have so much respect for all stay at home moms. I work during the day and feel bad for not being able to stay home with them. On the flip side when daycare is closed and I’m home alone with them, I go crazy. I have big plans with all kinds of activities. Every time, by the time my husband gets home, I’m ready to hand the kids of and enjoy some me time again. It takes incredible patients to be able to raise 4 kids. I give you a lot of props!
I actually just found your blog and I’m in love with it! I can’t totally relate to this post! It feels like a rollercoaster everyday with the kiddos. I have 3 of them. 3, 2 and 4 week old. I love them with all My heart but it Can be very challenging some days. Thank you very much for this post!
I so feel this way!!! Trying so hard to be the best mommy that they could need. We all are or most of us mommy’s anyway!!