Last night at this time, I was laying in bed sobbing in my husband’s arms because I knew when I woke up in the morning I’d be bringing my oldest to preschool. This sweet boy, who I’ve had the privilege of spending almost every day with since birth, would be leaving me for a good chunk of the day.
I knew it was what we should do. I knew it would be good for him. I knew he’d love it. When I told myself those things, I got over the emotions pretty quickly.
However, I wasn’t so sure I wanted to speed up that process. I wasn’t so sure I wanted to brush my emotions under the rug, or pretend that it wasn’t a big deal.
Because the truth is, today was one of the biggest steps I’ve taken so far in this journey of motherhood. Today, he took one of his biggest steps too. It’s not that it’s the first day of school. It’s that my baby is slowly but surely leaving me.
Today, we started a process that we’ll never be able to reverse. Never again will he be at home 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. From now on, he’ll continue to spend MORE time away from home, away from me.
Today went well. He woke up excited to wear his backpack and carry his lunchbox. I walked him into his classroom, told him it was time to say goodbye, and he gave me hugs and kisses with a smile on his face.
As I walked out fighting back tears, I told myself all this was a good thing. It was a healthy thing. It was supposed to happen like this!
But I just want to make sure I’m acknowledging that it is in fact happening. Because if I don’t, I’m afraid every school year will start to feel the same, and before I know it, the normalcy of it will engulf me. And there I’ll be at his high school graduation, wondering where the time went.
I just want to make sure I’m taking the time to remember that every single day I get with my kids is a gift. That even when they scream at me for half of the morning, spill food on the floor for the gazillionth time that day, or take their diapers off and smear poop all over the walls, that this is the season I’m going to wish back when they’re grown. I’m going to look at pictures and remember how crazy it was, but mostly I’ll remember how sweet it was to be in their company.
This afternoon, I was one of the first cars in the car pool lane. I had been counting down the hours and minutes until we got to be reunited. When his teacher walked him out, my heart flooded. I was so proud of him. She told me that he was really tired and zonked out during rest time. And just like that, I was reminded that he’s still really just a baby. I still have years and years to watch him grow into a boy and then a man.
Tonight when I lay my head down to rest, I don’t think I’ll have tears in my eyes. I’ll have a peace knowing that if I could make it through today, I can make it through another. But I also know that when I wake up in the morning, I want to savor and relish each breath I get to breathe with my children. Because these monumental firsts we experience in parenthood just keep coming, and I’m perfectly content with it taking a while before I need to tackle the next one.
XOXO,
Amber
P.S. For more reflections on parenthood and life, follow us on Facebook (Hun Let’s Run) and on Instagram: @ambermariekuiper and @jakekuiper! We’d also love for you to subscribe to our Hun, Let’s Run Podcast! For more info about joining our fitness community as a customer or coach, please email us at amber@mommysmetime.com!
